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SO I am officially done and I am an Auburn Graduate…I didnt think it would feel this good..but DAMN it feels good! Im pretty proud of all that I have accomplished.

So ive had to say goodbye to all my memories here at Auburn, and pack my life up and get ready to head back to Birmingham…So im sorry if I havent blogged lately, my life has been consumed by packing, cleaning, and so forth…

So, whats been going on well, the 2 week break is officially over Thursday, Finally…but I did talk to Damien yesterday and he knows I am coming back into town and he wanted to see me, and I was like well if were still on a break your certainly not gonig to see me..lol no matter how bad I want too…I kind of makes me feel like used, which I dont think he would do that-actually I know he wouldnt but still if were not talking were certainly not going to see each other. I do miss him though…alot

Today is my last day at work and at 1 p.m. I am driving back home! I am super excited so only a few more hours….

As far as my diet, I feel like I am slacked a little this week, Saturday I went to dinner with a friend and I had a small margarita and then last night, I hate mashed potatoes, green beens, and okra for dinner, but I didnt eat a snack in between lunch and then. and Then for lunch I had a quiznos sub and baked lays…which makes me paranoid, because I dont want to gain the weight back. I only lost 1 pound this past week, and  I didnt think one pound was alot but but I gain that back , I know im going ot be super upset, because im suppose to be going the other way..lol

Anways, I hope everyone has a super day!

I couldnt wait to get up this morning, because Saturday’s are my weigh in mornings for the week. No clothes on, just me and that scale….and the tally is……1 pound….1 pound?! how can that be….I am kind of disappointed ….I mean I was expecting 2 pounds but not only that, my goal feels so far away…Im wishing my clothes will fit better already and everytime I put on my clothes I feel dissappointed. I know I need to be patient, especially with harldy working out because I have just been working so much this week, all I have wanted to do when I get home is sleep, and not to mention how rediculously hot and humid it is outside….Im trying to be patient with everything but its hard…

I cant believe Im going to be an Auburn graduate in 2 days!….wow…Time has just gone by so fast, and it is so scary…..

Im missing Damien, I hate this break…I hate not talking to him..and Im going to be going back to Birmingham next Tuesday and its hard to think that I may not even see him when im there…lol its even worse when Im right down the street…:( I feel my insecurities trying to come back the more this break goes on, its like something inside me wants to believe theres something not good about him, maybe its just the fact that im not used to having someone treat  me good…I just want the insecurities to go away..

So today is one of those days….lol I feel better than yesterday. I got through most of the day and I felt like I didnt accomplish what i wanted to do. I wanted to spend time with Katelyn and remember her and think about how positive she is for me, but I think I got scared and I couldnt get myself to concentrate…towards the end of the night it began to hit me and I couldnt get myself to fall asleep. My grandmother called me and told me they went to visit Katie at the cementary and I just lost it. I needed someone to talk too. And as most of you know Damien and I are still on that 2 week break thing, so I was trying to not talk to him…but then I thought about it- and I needed him there. So I texted him and just told him I was struggling a bit with things. He called me 2 minutes later, and I am so thankful that he did, because he made me laugh and we were able to talk about things that helped me get my mind away from being so afraid to let go. It meant so much for him to call and be there for me…..that makes me hate this  stupid break even more…but I know he needs it and he appreciates it, but its still hard.

I will officially be an Auburn Graduate the 4th! I turn in my paper for my internship and thats it! I cant believe its over, its really scary to me. Now im having to pack all of my things and move back to Birmingham- part of me is excited part of me isnt…lol Im stressed about finding a job and I really dont want to move back in with my parents to be honest, it wouldnt be smart for me to get an apartment without some type of salary coming in…lol.

As for my diet, Im beginning to crave all the bad foods, I had TCBY last night which was AMAZING….I treated myself. But I think I have been doing pretty decently so far, tomorrow is a weigh in day so I hope I lost a few more pounds!*fingers crossed*

Hope everyone is having a great day!

So today marks the day, its been 5 years since my cousin Katelyn passed away.I cant believe it..it feels like 10 years. She was 11 and has had leukemia since she was a baby. It is a big deal for me to be able to talk about this in public because over the past few weeks I realized there are a few things that I havent been able to get out from my past. I realized I havent been able to get over her death. I know she is in a much better place, and she is no longer in pain, and I feel selfish for missing her and not being able to see or hear her voice. It is just a day for me to remember how much she meant to me, and how much strength she brings to my life. I love you kikki SO much.

Its been hard today, because with not talking to Damien has really gotten to me today. I feel like I need him. I mean  I know I am going to be ok, which makes me happy but still it just makes me think about the break. He told my sister that  him and I just talk alot and he really needs to get his studying done. I just want him to trust and be able to know taht I want him to succeed…therres alot to say, but honestly I dont really know what to say right now. maybe I will have more words later on. Hope everyone is having a great day as always!

So Im sure everyone is just on the edge of their seats wondering what has been going on! lol….just kidding..:)

It has been super busy the past 2 days with working and then just trying to get everything settled in my life, but mainly work has taken a lot of my energy. Golf camp from 8-12, then working from 2-close has been alot, and along with that babysitting my firends dog, in which has allowed me to have no sleep the past 2 nights. I realized for sure that I am a large dog person..lol I cant deal with something sleeping in my crotch and constantly following me…its just too much…lol its driving me crazy…then of course the deal with Damien has just been alot but everything has calmed down….Thankfully…

I loved the comment in my recent posts ” Hes just not that into you..” by the way I have read that book…and of course I appreciate all the comments and insights it has been wonderful, but unfortunately I just cannot believe that…If Damien and I had been together for maybe a few months that would be one thing..but we have been together for over a year and half, and unfortuantely we have gone through good and bad times…and even I myself cannot understand why certain things happen or how to deal with them. I have been so consumed with trying to make my relationship “perfect” that I didnt pay attention to myself and realize what was truly there. For one thing, I needed to work on myself, and now that I have slowly but surely realized that, each day I realize how important it is to me. Secondly, I really have needed to trust myself, in order to trust the people around me and who i deeply care for…

So to let everyone know, if anyone is interested, what ended up taking place this past Monday, when shit hit the fan with Damien as i expressed, and had no clue what to do with myself…lol well things ended up turning out better/ more than what I expected. First off my family, went to his Aunt’s concert on Monday evening, which they said was absolutely wonderful and they had such a great time which made me very happy to hear especially since I couldnt be there…but I got a phone call that night, actually Damien called me 3 times because I didnt want to answer it becaue I want to make sure that I went through with the rest of our break…but he called to tell me about the concert and how thankful he was that my family was there and how everyone had such a wonderful time, but then he said to me that he wants to graduate on time and needs to make sure that he does well so he can have everything taken care of because he wants to ask me to marry him, and he wants to be able to have things taken care of. He told me it really upsets him that i even question that he wants to be with somebody else and the fact that the break was suppose to be for him studying and he needed this time for that alone. He told me he just really wants me to trust him.

It really meant alot to me that he called, especially  with what happened earlier and all that was said, and it made me realize that I am beginning to understand our tendencies a whole lot more…when we are stressed and mad, we say things we dont mean…and I wish I didnt do that as much as I have, but the truth is I do…and he does too…

I just wish the 2 weeks would come…lol I havent heard from him since that phone call, but I know that this is what he needs.

as far as my dieting..ive decided to weigh myself every week…so every saturday…the numbers seem to consume me and I want to loose it so badly….I feel like I havent lost any though, i mean ive been eating alright but i just want this ugly weight to go away….hope everydays day has been super!

Im sure many of you wonderful bloggers have been through somewhat of the similar feelings that I am having right now, but there is so much going through my head that I can seem to contain  my emotions or myself for that matter….

As most of you know I have been on this 2 week thing with Damien, my idea, I thought it was a good one at that it would give him time to study for his finals and allow me to figure some things out on my own, and just allow us to figure out our feelings towards the relationship….well its either day 4 or 5…and yesterday….I got a phone call from my dad, and saw that I had missed it and so I called him back…well when I called him back I didnt know who was on the phone but I knew it wasnt my dad…lol then when he said to me”Abigale 2 weeks is a long time…” i knew who it was…all these emotions ran through my body as soon as i heard his voice…he said to me” Abigale this world is cruel, every little thing seems to remind me of you” and I shrugged it off like I didnt even hear it…but all I could think about was him and how much I missed him and how much he meant to me…then as soon as I got off the phone all I could think about was if the break was really a good idea in the first place….i kept running it in and out of my mind and I jsut kept wondering if I really wanted the break in the first place….I didnt….so I texted him, and told him it looked like we would have to start over again on the break ….and he said no it would just be 2 weeks and 10 minutes….and I then trie dto explain to him and ask him why we were doing the break…and all he would say to me was that he wanted to continue with teh break and we would resume it…i should have just left it alone and kept gonig like I was…I mean we were taking a break and he was studying and we werent breaking up right….? I mean this was suppose to make things better……

well I couldnt get it out of my head, and then I really thought to myself the break was stupid and I didnt want to do it anymore. I thought to myself if he cant study and have a relationship with me how is this giong to work in the future??? I maen I want him to feel like he can have both..yet in the pas tbecause of my insecurities I know I had made him feel giulty, but like all of you know. I am letting go of things, and I feel so much better, and I feel new again…and I want to share that with him….I don twan thim to be constantly reminded of the old me…….and so the night went on and I asked him why he wanted the break and tried to express to him that I didnt want it…but he said he wanted it for studying and that was it….and that was all that I heard from him…I dont know what made me feel like I would hear from him or that he would text or call…but I thought he would I mean I thought he missed me….well heres the bigger picture and I would appreciate anyones input…

well the next morning I woke up…early. I couldnt sleep because all I could think about was how I didnt want this break..so I emailed him, I told him that I really didnt want it, and I didnt want to go back on my words but that I thought it was the right thing to do to help us but im not sure if it was….I told him I just wanted some kind of answer as to how he was feeling about the relationship because I didint want to go back on my words but I jsut didnt want the break because I wanted to be with him. so I got no respinse from the email, and I texted him if he was planning on avoiding me, and all he replied back to me was the we were on a break….and I texted him a little flusttered I will admit that I didnt undertsand why he still wanted the break and if studying was really the only reason and that I jsut wish he would give me an answer…adn he responded to me blowing me off in a way and so he told me he was turning is phone off for class and so forth….

well I was jsut so upset I didnt know what to do, its like I have been giong through all of these positive changes the past few days and all I could think about was wanting to share them, wanting him to know how much was different…well then I got a phone call, and I saw it was him…I was excited…but that turned as soon as I heard his tone…he told me that he was gonig to speak and that I was gonig to say anything…he was not talking to me understanding, he said to me ” you want a break, you dont, then you want a break again…you always told me to make uf your mind, and here you are, so make up your mind, and secondly I am graduating, I will be getting a degree, and I this is just too much for me, I feel like I cant deal with all of this! so thank you for allowing me to realize that maybe you and I arent such a good idea.”

I sat there….in just well….I was upset….and I said to him…wait a minute, after all of what i told you you are going to take what I said as me trying to keep you from your sschool work and just being negative still?!?! You need to study and you need this time thats fine, and thats what it was here for but I just wanted to tell you everything that has been going on, because alot as happened and I dont want you to think of me as the preson Im not anymore…and he says to me” can you not wait 2 weeks, you said 2 weeks, and the first time that I talk to you here we are arguing…its not like we wouldnt ever talk again…but you dont let things happen, and ive got all this stuff going on! Do you respect what i want, do you even listen to what I say?”……..

So guys, I just let him get off the phone….and all I coudl do was just cry…I didnt kow what else to do…I feel like i have gotten myself in a hole and I dont nkow how to get out of it…Im trying to improve…yet he doesnt want to hear about it, he wants to wait the two weeks…I feel so unloved and like he doesnt even want to be with me….so now im at a cross roads…do I just take this is a breakup and just do it that way, or just wait for him to talk…and even if he does want to talk…how do you convince someone and telll someone of all the changes you have made you have been acertain way for so long…is it possible? I cant help but feel right now it isnt…I did this to help myself and I want that to be the person he is in a relationship, I have allowed my past to affect me so much that Idont feel like he has seen me any other way and to be hones tits been a while since ive seen myself this way….so what does everyone think?

I cant help but feel like Ive let him down, and all I want is for things to work but I really feel helpless now…

So I am trying not to weigh myself everyday, its going to be at the end of everyweek…Sundays…so its sunday today…2 pounds!! It doesnt sound like much and at at first I was like….thats it 2 pounds….booo…..BUT its loosing which means Im doing something right, so Im extremly happy about it. And I must admit its only been…well not even a week..and I can already hear my body wanting junk food..lol I went to dinner with a friend last night and ate mexican. First off, no cheese dip which was a big deal for me and then I didnt stuff myself with chips and dip and then a quesadilla with steak, cheese, lettuce and tomatoes, which I gave myself a little becuase I have been doing pretty well so far…baby steps…

ok so I feel like such a dork when I sit here and say its only been 4 days of no talking to Damien. Last night was a bad night, my cousin called me–in which we are around the same age but were close but were not close if that makes any sense. Anyways he calls me and I explain to him that I have forgiven Damien that I am trying to move on with my life and better myself and I would appreciate it if he wouldnt bring up the past anymore…and all he says to me is…”how can you forget about the past, your going to let someone cheat on you and get away with it”…… My cousin doesnt know about the struggles I have had with my ex boyfriend, he doesnt know about my struggles with my weight, and when I tell him I would just appreciate it if he would not bring it up and I have to try to forgive and thats what Im trying to do he keeps saying it…

So this is what scares me. I finally get off the phone because I couldnt deal with him, and I told him the only thing we share is our last name, because that is truly how I feel. You cant tell me how to feel or even give me advice if you don tknow what I have been through, and he obviously doesnt completely understand because hes telling me my ex has nothing to do with it, which as I have explained I know it does…SO I was up really later and early this morning because I couldnt seem to get the conversation out of my head, and Im thinking to myself can I do this…can I forgive him…I love him, and he has changed over the past few months but is it real? Is this the right thing to do….? Damien has been good to me lately but I still find myself at certain times wondering in my head if I…Abigale can move past things and truly trust him. I know the two weeks was a good thing, but now Im thinking to myself maybe I need longer than 2 weeks..because I do feel lost…I felt good about the situation but now im feeling even more confused than before. Maybe its just because my insecurities are slowly trying to creep back and part of my problem is Im allowing them time in the spot light…I just wish they would go away for good….

So its day 3 of this thing called a break from Damien…lol And Ive lasted without texting and without calling, which I am feeling pretty good about. Its not that I dont think about him, or miss him and have thoughts in my head that I wish I could call and talk to him but the matter of the fact is I said I was going to do something and so far I have done what I said I was going to do…which makes me really feel like I am moving beyond my past and Im getting there…slowly. As well with my diet, its just started for me, and I do have times where I want to eat those sweets and just binge on a bag of potato chips but I havent, if I want to eat I will eat fruit or something of that kind. I did feel yesterday that I had more intake then I should have but Im also on my period which I feel like Im always wanting to eat…I really need to stop that. Yesterday for dinner I had a chicken fajita rollup and a baked potato…I just felt like it was not agood choice…maybe I should have gone with the vegetables instead of the potato…lol:(

So, I am on this break, I have less than 2 weeks that I graduate from college and I do know where my life is directing right now. Its just like everything that I am so used to being there is not there anymore and its just very hard to all take in. Im having to move out of my condo, and my sister and I have been living together for 2 years now which has helped us so much, Im leaving my team something I have had full commitment to for the past 4 years and its hard….Im trying to look at this as me just moving on to bigger and better things but I guess just for 4 years of my life I looked at what I was doing and who I was around as one the greatest things that I have done.

Im nervous about being out of my comfort zone, and I need to trust that no matter what that I will be ok…maybe that is whatt the 2 weeks is really about…not that Im away from him and trying to punish him and so forth…im working on myself and proving to myself that I can be away from him because I havent been alone for such a long time, and when I was alone I do feel I was a very strong person. yes, you want a boyfriend …la la la and so forth and so on but I realize now I was just fine without it…lol crazy teenager….now I know Damien is positive to me, yeah we both have our past but thats the past and if hes goign to forgive me for mine, and I forgive him for his, beyond that I truly believe he loves me and I jsut have to trust that….its just so hard in today’s society because all you see on tv and in the news is people cheating and lying…and not to say I dont lie but if you love someone why would you do it….

So Its day 2 of my break with Damien…..Im saying to myself…”Only DAY 2?!?!?!?! What AM I gonna do for 12 more days?!?!” And then I remember…Im personally suppose to be taking this time to help myself and allow myself to really think about the relationship and with moving on with all of this am I going to do it….And hes suppose to be studying for his finals and allowing himself the proper time to think about the relationship as well….So thats what we decided on and I am making sure I am going to stick to the two weeks……

….and then I feel my insecurities kicking back in when Im about to go to sleep because thats when Im used to talking to him and thats when I tend to feel most of my insecurities. Im always wondering…well whats he doing, is he doing or talking to someone he shouldnt be…blah blah blah….the insecurity of cheating still comes up in my head. I want it to go away, yes I have done so much just in a few days and I already feel really better I just want those thoughts to go away so I can trust him  and be in this relationship…Im trying to keep myself occupied, away from the phone, not thinking about it….maybe I need a book?….haha.

Its day 4 of my life change of trying to get in shape. I was driving around yesterday and I felt myself wanting junk food….sweets mainly…like chocolate chip cookie from American Cookie Company….oh my goodness I could make myself sick with eating those…but luckily I stayed away…which is a pat on the back for me because being by myself makes it much easier for me to whatever I choose too. Im so glad that I am doing this, and I am just praying that I stay true to who I am now because I dont want to let myself go ever again. It been 4 days and weight has just stayed the same…I dont know if its better to just weigh one day a week or every morning? what do you guys think?

So, I continue to thank all of you who read and continue to send me encouraging words, it really does mean so much! Thanks! If anyone has any suggestions of how to keep myself occupied of not thinking of that stupid phone…lol I might remind you that I am in Alabama where the humidity is rediculous and so its really not smart to go outside anytime before 7:30ish.

Tootles!

Gale

After all I have been through, I never thought I would say this, but I am just so amazed about how many beautiful people are on this site. And it TRULY does modivate me to not quit on this journey that I am starting…I know this isnt a relationship blog lol but it just seems that alot of my personal struggles are in my relationship right now, and because I do tend to be an emotional eater I eat, and just get really down and have no desire to work on myself. Its amazing though in the past two days how much mentally I have allowed myself to change. Damien and I have have had conversations over the past 2 weeks about trying to get inshape together and about issues relating to my ex, and I am just so uncomfortable with it. You would think since I push so much to be open about things it would be hard but these are things I have never told anyone and for good reasons. Becuaase I have been made fun of them before, and I was humiliated that I allowed someone to treat me and control me the way my ex did. Damien feels as if there is someone else in our relationship….which I am trying SO hard not to let it dictate this relationship I am in but I am so AFRAID of getting hurt again, and I know that because I have fallen in love with him it makes me very vulnerable. I have just taken the time to think about things, and I realize my jealousy and many other things have stemmed from my insecurity about my weight, and not feeling like I am good enough, and comparing myself to other girls that we are around. if Damien has girls that come up to him or are friends with, you can tell the tension in the air from me because I just am so paranoid and jealous about it…

2 nights ago I wrote a letter to my ex telling him all the things I never got to tell him and how much he hurt me….and then I burned it…and letting that be the last time I allow him to affect my life now.. I also wrote Damien a letter, trying to forgive him for his past and the mistakes hes made and will try not to allow myself think of the past….and it has made me feel SO much better. I do feel like I weight is lifted, its not that i dont feel like its completely gone but I do find myself not allowing myself to think as deep as I would normally…and thats a CHANGE…..finally.

Secondly, I made the commitment to work on myself, and the main thing is getting myself in shape, fitting into my clothes the right way, fitting into my old clothes, and wanting to wake up and look at myself in the morning everyday! I dont want my insecurities to follow me and the last thing I want is for them to weigh me down.

Damien and I starting yesterday decided to take a 2 week break, to allow him time to study for his finals…and for us both to allow ourselves to really get our stuff in order and think about our relationship…with the fight that damien and I had earlier in the week and him saying he was done and willing to leave the relationship has really bothered me….how can you be in love with me and want to marry me if you were willing to leave it all behind??!?!?…yet an half an hour later you tell me you want to be with me but things need to change (meaning the things with the ex and insecurities) and that he does want to spend his life with me…anyone have any logic for that??!?!?! lol for me…I was just SO hurt at the fact that after all of what him and I have been through he would say those things out of anger, so I am saying to myself why should I believe what you say, and why should I believe you wont threaten to leave again??? I am 22 about to graduate, and I am trying to get my life together, and Im trying to get commitment from someone that Im wondering if hes ready to give. I mean do I have to have a ring on my finger to think he wants to marry me?? Its hard because everyone around me is engaged…lol married, and I never thought I would worry about this…Im not ready to grow up but I dont want to invest time in something that may not work out…I just want to trust it…

wow…I have gone on for a while..lol if any one has any suggestions, Im always open for them!If anyone has any of their own experiences they think would help me I would love to hear from you! and love hearing from everyone! seriously thank you all for the encouraging words!!!