I never thought I would say this….
After all I have been through, I never thought I would say this, but I am just so amazed about how many beautiful people are on this site. And it TRULY does modivate me to not quit on this journey that I am starting…I know this isnt a relationship blog lol but it just seems that alot of my personal struggles are in my relationship right now, and because I do tend to be an emotional eater I eat, and just get really down and have no desire to work on myself. Its amazing though in the past two days how much mentally I have allowed myself to change. Damien and I have have had conversations over the past 2 weeks about trying to get inshape together and about issues relating to my ex, and I am just so uncomfortable with it. You would think since I push so much to be open about things it would be hard but these are things I have never told anyone and for good reasons. Becuaase I have been made fun of them before, and I was humiliated that I allowed someone to treat me and control me the way my ex did. Damien feels as if there is someone else in our relationship….which I am trying SO hard not to let it dictate this relationship I am in but I am so AFRAID of getting hurt again, and I know that because I have fallen in love with him it makes me very vulnerable. I have just taken the time to think about things, and I realize my jealousy and many other things have stemmed from my insecurity about my weight, and not feeling like I am good enough, and comparing myself to other girls that we are around. if Damien has girls that come up to him or are friends with, you can tell the tension in the air from me because I just am so paranoid and jealous about it…
2 nights ago I wrote a letter to my ex telling him all the things I never got to tell him and how much he hurt me….and then I burned it…and letting that be the last time I allow him to affect my life now.. I also wrote Damien a letter, trying to forgive him for his past and the mistakes hes made and will try not to allow myself think of the past….and it has made me feel SO much better. I do feel like I weight is lifted, its not that i dont feel like its completely gone but I do find myself not allowing myself to think as deep as I would normally…and thats a CHANGE…..finally.
Secondly, I made the commitment to work on myself, and the main thing is getting myself in shape, fitting into my clothes the right way, fitting into my old clothes, and wanting to wake up and look at myself in the morning everyday! I dont want my insecurities to follow me and the last thing I want is for them to weigh me down.
Damien and I starting yesterday decided to take a 2 week break, to allow him time to study for his finals…and for us both to allow ourselves to really get our stuff in order and think about our relationship…with the fight that damien and I had earlier in the week and him saying he was done and willing to leave the relationship has really bothered me….how can you be in love with me and want to marry me if you were willing to leave it all behind??!?!?…yet an half an hour later you tell me you want to be with me but things need to change (meaning the things with the ex and insecurities) and that he does want to spend his life with me…anyone have any logic for that??!?!?! lol for me…I was just SO hurt at the fact that after all of what him and I have been through he would say those things out of anger, so I am saying to myself why should I believe what you say, and why should I believe you wont threaten to leave again??? I am 22 about to graduate, and I am trying to get my life together, and Im trying to get commitment from someone that Im wondering if hes ready to give. I mean do I have to have a ring on my finger to think he wants to marry me?? Its hard because everyone around me is engaged…lol married, and I never thought I would worry about this…Im not ready to grow up but I dont want to invest time in something that may not work out…I just want to trust it…
wow…I have gone on for a while..lol if any one has any suggestions, Im always open for them!If anyone has any of their own experiences they think would help me I would love to hear from you! and love hearing from everyone! seriously thank you all for the encouraging words!!!
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Hey girl it is gonna be alright. I too was in a very hurtful abusive relationship for 8 years. When I first met my husband I took what my ex did to me out on him. It is hard to trust people especially when we have been hurt before. You must have faith in yourself. You are valued as a person don’t ever forget that. You need to love yourself no matter what size you are. It is so great that you have decided to become a more healthier you. We are glad you have joined Buddy Slim. Taking those two weeks off from your relationship may be a good thing. Take those two weeks to focus on YOU and what you want. It sounds to me that you have a wonderful life ahead of you….congrats on graduating!!! 22 is such a young age to decide if you want to be married to someone…..that’s my opinion. You need to live a little, enjoy your life, and do things that you want to experience. We are here for you. Great success on your weight loss journey. You should be so proud of yourself for taking this first step.
I tend to agree, 22 is to young to decide who you want to spend the rest of your life with. It seems to me your insecurities are forcing you to want some validation that you wont be alone for the rest of your life. Marriage is a partnership, and whether or not you have a ring or piece of paper doesn’t change the relationship. I think when we are young we look at marriage in the wrong light, it is a status like being old enough to drink or graduating. I am in my second marriage and realize that the wedding ceremony depicting us “married” was just a validation of our partnership. My husband is my bestfriend, we talk and discuss things, we enjoy doing things together, and we agree on alot of things pertaining to raising a family and surviving in a household. Rethink what marriage is about before you jump into it. Your husband should truly be your bestfriend, and not because you are trying to make him one. Take your two week break to think about your relationship in detail…Do you share most of the same interest?…Are you able to discuss hot topics with passionate adversary without arguing?…Do you have the most fun doing things if he is the person you are doing them with? These are all very important questions. Times in life can be very hard and it will take a strong FRIENDSHIP to get you through them as a couple. Also don’t lose who you are as you try to make a relationship work, becuase it wont work. Stay true to who you are and be confident and strong in knowing who that is.
Your past relationship has marked you, big time, I’ve walked in those shoes, after my first divorce, I dated a guy and he could not even touch me in my sleep, he said i would pull away and it was all because of “him”. he was verbally abusive. But since I grew up with a mother and brothers who thought I could do nothing right, I thought it was normal. You need to take your time to do things you want to do. things for you. Pardon me if I’m out of line, but from the way you wrote that, it sounds like you think you need to be engaged or married because “everyone” is. Please don’t stake your happiness on that. Take time for you. if you want to be slim, do it for you. Sounds like you need some you time where you can regroup and decide where you want to be “when you grow up”
Make your life all about you and make you the first priority. There are times coming when that can’t be with children, spouses, etc, but right now, school is done or almost, you’re moving on in your life. It’s time to be all about what you want. Sorry, i didn’t mean to write a book. I just like to see young people make better choices in their lives than I have. i am married now because I had a fear of being alone after my daughter left home. let me tell you there are worse things than being alone. But that’s another story. i am with my third husband still searching for what I need in life. Good luck girl, you’ve come to the right place for support and motivation and advice that you may or may not want. 
Listen girl, Ive been through smiliar things in the past when I was in my 20’s and this is what I have learned. A man can love you and really want you forever but if you keep getting jealous and mistrusting when there is no real reason to then you will push him away. You are afraid he is going to leave you so you keep getting jealous. And then he finally decides he’s had enough and wants to leave and you question why? Well, because he’s doing the very thing you expect him to do. And no guy wants to be reminded of the ex. You have to try and let the past go or you lose out on someone special. If not Damien, then the next guy. You are still young and loves can come and go. Some will hurt you and some won’t. So don’t push the good ones away. And on another note, maybe don’t show that you can get jealous. I’ve learned that if I show jealousy then I have shown my weakness and they can use it against me. I showed an old boyfriend that I was jealous and there were times he went out of his way to make me jealous. He saw my weakness and used it against me. Show confidence (even if you have to act it) and they are powerless to hurt you. Just focus on you right now. Maybe the little break will do you good.